Joining the sisterhood of thos who have loved, gestated and lost.
There is a kind of kinship here and I feel a new depth for all who have lost. Also have thought a lot about the women who died giving birth, who bled and bled and there was no way to stop it... the women who were so brave in our grandmothers generation to temp fate to love a growing and beautiful baby knowing full well it could be the end of them. And to those who didn't want to be mothers, but were anyway, and were lost.
Have bled a lifetime of blood and clots and managed to come close to pass out in the process. My babe was small and gone... 10 weeks gestation but much smaller.
Firt time I have had a scan, fist time I have had a VE.
I feel thankful for the beautiful pregnancies I have had before and how simple and seamless they have been.
I feel like I have been hit by a truck, and look it.
In the small hours of the morning, the darket hour of the soul, I had a 'D & C' to stop the blood. Which in the end I consented to, after hours of loss. it stopped. And I am thankful for that also. I tried to let it go naturally, but the wee babe was still there.
Now I recover, back int he beauty of my own bed, my own house, children playing. And know that I will never know the sweet smell of this baby.
And will never hold her to my face and kiss her forhead. i have thought much about this in the night.
So here it ends and begins. The ending of a life. The beginning of a new understanding of grief and loss.
To all thos who have lost, i hold you in my thoughts.
xx
5 comments:
'Tis not a club you ever wish anyone to have membership to, but each of us has a kinship for each other no other would understand unless they too have lost.
My lost babes, twins, were discovered at 10wks though left usat 8wks. Mine was a long walk back to sanity.
They would have been 4yrs old this year, and I'm sure their 2.5yr old brother would relish in the two of them as playmates.
Aw jen, Your wee twins, how sad. :(
YEs as you say, not a club i was wanting to join, but now I am here, I see the world differently
Much love to you. xxxxxx
Huge love and hugs beig sent your way. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Go gently xxoo
Oh, Dear, I am deeply touched by that post. letting go a child is so hard... even when you never rella met her or him... I am very anxous about this when I think about a fourth pregnancy, because I know, that it CAN happen, that it happened and will happen here or there... you sound like a very sensitive mother, a loving mum and I am so glad for the kids you have, that they got YOU as their mother.
be blessed and heal
Bora from Switzerland
Thanks so much for your comments Bora.
Sure there are no guarentees.... but as mothers we will risk it time and again for the love of a beautiful baby/child. Go with your heart....
Rachel
xx
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